Honesty & Respect in Open Relationships - Questions

[Dragon]

Me and my wife are in the process of 'opening up'. I've done a fair amount of research on the subject (read books etc), but I am curious how any of you other pirates in open relationships handle this particular bit.

When you have a primary partner, how do you, smoothly and early on, communicate to another woman (whether you are just casually flirting or intending to take things further than that) that they, if they choose to be involved with you, will be a 'secondary' partner. And also that you're not Joe Schmoe cheating on your wife/girlfriend, that your partner is not a dull person and/or boring in bed and that that's not the reason you're flirting with someone else, but that you're actually in a consensual open relationship.

My wife is my Goddess and I am concerned about giving the impression to another woman through my words and actions that I do not love/respect my wife, or that they will think they could steal me away from her. She too is concerned that other women will think of her as some asexual housewife/mother-of-two who does not "fulfill her husbands needs".

This is in particular a concern when relating to someone who already knows I'm married, but not that my wife and I would have an open relationship.

I know this is not really rocket science, as it would not be that difficult to simply spell it out, but what I find hard to figure out and verbalize is how to integrate this message smoothly and naturally into the interaction, very early on, without it taking away from the magic and beauty of the seduction process (as would a long speech and/or starting to outline 'terms' etc).

Any input is appreciated!

[Bjorn Falkenstrom]

I have no answers for you because the open relationship I´ve had just evoked a lot of jealousy in my girlfriend and it did not work because of that.

But I wanted to wish you the best of luck. Sounds like interesting times

[Sean]

Be prepared for a divorce.

[Dragon]

Originally Posted by Sean

Be prepared for a divorce.

If you're married you should always be prepared for a divorce.

Only when we are ok with losing someone can we be really real with them. ~ Sean Stephenson

But don't worry. We'll be taking baby steps. An open marriage can mean a lot of things, and we may never even get to the stage where we see other people individually (the question about how to handle this simply arose during a discussion). There are a lot of ports on the map, but we have set sail for no one in particular, nor ruled anyone out. We just know we'd like to set sail. As stated in Bjorn's signature, life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

Originally Posted by Bjorn Falkenstrom

But I wanted to wish you the best of luck.

Thanks.

[Sean]

Originally Posted by Dragon

If you're married you should always be prepared for a divorce.

Very true in this day in age.

Only when we are ok with losing someone can we be really real with them. ~ Sean Stephenson

:barf:

But don't worry. We'll be taking baby steps. An open marriage can mean a lot of things, and we may never even get to the stage where we see other people individually (the question about how to handle this simply arose during a discussion). There are a lot of ports on the map, but we have set sail for no one in particular, nor ruled anyone out. We just know we'd like to set sail. As stated in Bjorn's signature, life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

You know, I've never understood the concept of an "open marriage." If you want to be with other people, shouldn't that mean that you shouldn't be married in the first place? It just seems dumb. The whole point of marriage is a commitment to remain monogamous to each other.

If you want to have an "open relationship," fine, but have one while not being married. Open relationships are destined to fail, why bother guaranteeing the heartache of divorce by even going there? It just seems really, really stupid.

If you want to seduce women and be with multiple women, don't get married.

[EricJames]

There is a concept in psychology known as status-quo bias. The idea is that people tend to like things how they are and will fight (either aggressively or through passive aggression) to get them back the way they were. It's harder to change an existing thing than it is to build something new with the option of "openness" built-in.

Purely from a theoretical perspective (depending on how open both you and her are) I'd suggest that you take the approach of this as being an experiment (i.e. a temporary thing) rather than a 180 lifestyle change. This way both you and her will be more open to the idea because there is the option of returning back to the way things were before at the "end" of the experiment. There will be less resistance upfront but there is still the danger of you falling for another woman or her falling for another guy and complicating things

[Wanderer]

Originally Posted by Sean

You know, I've never understood the concept of an "open marriage." If you want to be with other people, shouldn't that mean that you shouldn't be married in the first place? It just seems dumb. The whole point of marriage is a commitment to remain monogamous to each other.

If you want to seduce women and be with multiple women, don't get married.

Ha ... this thread is getting juicy, quick ... Looks like we know where YOU stand. Wondering, though, can't there be OTHER reasons for getting married?

For example, I believe in the movie "The Departed", Alec Baldwin tells Matt Damon, that people only started taking him serious ONCE he was married. So, my point is, perhaps there are other reasons to get married besides "making a commitment to remain monogamous to each other" ...

I can think of a few more reasons to get married (all questionable, nonetheless):

-tax breaks
-some women find married men VERY attractive (helps you seduce them if you are married)(I am not advocating deception here, everything on the up and up)
-marry if you have children together ... Society will view the children as "lucky" to have two parents that are "together", and some of that positive regard might actually become reality for the children.
-husband and wife in business together (for the image of the business)

All of these reasons COULD help a married man seduce other women besides his wife, particularly women who are turned on by an utter disregard for social norms, while being technically "married" ...

Originally Posted by Sean

... Open relationships are destined to fail ...

And, really curious to hear why you think this to be true ...

[Sean]

Originally Posted by Wanderer

Ha ... this thread is getting juicy, quick ... Looks like we know where YOU stand. Wondering, though, can't there be OTHER reasons for getting married?

For example, I believe in the movie "The Departed", Alec Baldwin tells Matt Damon, that people only started taking him serious ONCE he was married. So, my point is, perhaps there are other reasons to get married besides "making a commitment to remain monogamous to each other" ...

I can think of a few more reasons to get married (all questionable, nonetheless):

-tax breaks
-some women find married men VERY attractive (helps you seduce them if you are married)(I am not advocating deception here, everything on the up and up)
-marry if you have children together ... Society will view the children as "lucky" to have two parents that are "together", and some of that positive regard might actually become reality for the children.
-husband and wife in business together (for the image of the business)

All of these reasons COULD help a married man seduce other women besides his wife, particularly women who are turned on by an utter disregard for social norms, while being technically "married" ...

Well yes, there's no doubt that getting married will make you a lot more desirable to some women. But, if one of the reasons why you're getting married is to become more desirable to those women - then you're a scumbag. Marriage is something to take seriously, not to be done as some sort of "seduction technique" for fucks sake. Jesus Christ.

Look at marriage as an institution. It is a religious institution founded on declaring your faithfulness to each other. If you do not understand the basic concept of getting married (again, that is two people pledging their commitment to each other) then it's safe to say that you are more confused than I thought.

No one gets married "to be with other people." They get married to be with each other.

And, really curious to hear why you think this to be true ...

Jealousy and the matters of the heart always get in the way eventually.

[Wanderer]

Originally Posted by Sean

Well yes, there's no doubt that getting married will make you a lot more desirable to some women. But, if one of the reasons why you're getting married is to become more desirable to those women - then you're a scumbag. Marriage is something to take seriously, not to be done as some sort of "seduction technique" for fucks sake. Jesus Christ.

Look at marriage as an institution. It is a religious institution founded on declaring your faithfulness to each other. If you do not understand the basic concept of getting married (again, that is two people pledging their commitment to each other) then it's safe to say that you are more confused than I thought.

No one gets married "to be with other people." They get married to be with each other.



Jealousy and the matters of the heart always get in the way eventually.

... just saying ... you threw a blanket on it ... while, I only have as much respect for the institution as the person that I am dealing with does, I don't advocate getting married as a "seduction technique" ... ha ... just pointing out other realities ... You were raining hard on Dragon! Not, that I think he got married for tax breaks or any such nonsense ... his seems more substantial.

and, you might be right about open relationships failing in the end ... however, same might be said for exclusive relationships ... I heard that Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have an open relationship, and the longest run relationship in the new age of Hollywood, bout 25 years or so ... just saying ...

[Sean]

Originally Posted by Wanderer

and, you might be right about open relationships failing in the end ... however, same might be said for exclusive relationships ... I heard that Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have an open relationship, and the longest run relationship in the new age of Hollywood, bout 25 years or so ... just saying ...

They have an "open door" relationship, not an "open relationship." Open door meaning, either one of them can leave if they aren't happy. They prefer the "open door" concept of a relationship to the "closed door" concept of marriage, which is one reason why they probably never married. Hawn is pretty adamant that open relationships don't work.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/...in691732.shtml

Personally, I think a big key to their success is that they never got married. There's something about marriage that seems to really hurt a good relationship. I actually see marriage as the beginning of the end of the relationship. But that's just me.