Question regarding exclusivity in relationships

[Louis Adrian]

I've been with my girlfriend for 14 months. We've been living together about 6 months. We've subsequently fallen into a bit of a routine, but I'm a driven person and always try to make time to improve myself, do new things and introduce my lady to new experiences.

I don't see this relationship ever ending on my account because I love her, am still passionate about her--I feel like we have so much to experience together and that our relationship is just starting, in a way.

Thing is, I am still very interested in other women both on an mental/emotional level and a physical level. I am lustful of other women and want to spend time with those I meet through friends, at work, and so on.

I am trying to figure out what to do. I'm never going to marry the woman I'm with, but at the same time I feel like when I was entering this relationship--my first one--it happened that we agreed we're exclusive, in not so many words. It's like a tacit agreement.

I fantasize about being with other women I meet, but when I get a chance to spend time with them I often pass it up, because I'm not prepared to open up the possibility of sex even though I want it. I don't really have female friends that I just hang out with because I look at women as either wanting to sleep with them, in which case I want to spend time, or I don't want sex, in which case I don't want to spend any time.

Listening to Zan's philosophy makes me feel like I understand the situation and what to do, but in a way that I haven't fully processed yet so cannot act on fully. Does the forum have any advice, direction, comments relating to my situation?

[Satyr]

What would you do if the world would be destroyed by a meteor tomorrow? What if you had only 1 day left to live? Would you tell your lady you love her and stay with her to the (near) end, or would you ride out, get pissed and seduce all women you meet? This at least should say what you might wanna do today...

I know what I would do. But you tell us first.

Furthermore, don't over-analyse your situation. I take relationships day by day. That way my enjoyment is not destroyed by worries about the future.

[Louis Adrian]

First of all, thank you for replying.

I feel, I sense, that my girlfriend and I are going to part at some point. That's not hard to figure out, considering that I don't want to marry and that I am not going to be monogamous for the rest of my life.

So the honest thing to do would be to tell her that I am interesting in dating other women and possibly sleeping with them. Her reaction will certainly be to end our relationship, because in effect I'm rejecting her. She can't even see me chatting with other girls without getting extremely jealous and insecure. Sure, I feel the same way soemtimes when she's talking to guys, but jealousy is something I'm actively trying to overcome.

I look at it this way: I'm only 23, and I want to meet and have experiences with many women, including sexual experiences. I just don't want to hurt the one I'm with, with whom I'm in a monogamous relationship. So I could either reveal my intentions and risk losing her, or go behind her back and risk hurting her even more in the long-term.

I see the problem though, and that's that we're codependent. When I met her she'd only been in the country less than a year, and in a way I'm the only real friend she has here. We are also going to continue living together in a new apartment, we're moving after the summer.

I understand now, I need to express to her that while I am happy every day I spend with her, I have no plans for the future in terms of always being with her or even living with her a couple of years down the line--I just don't know what will happen. I will always be there for her, we will always be friends because I love her, but I think she feels that there's no one else there for her and so expects me to always be around.

So I'm not going to say, "I'm attracted to other women and am going to pursue them," but just do my thing, continue to grow and have her grow alongside me, take things day by day and be honest about our feelings for each other, and just naturally allow interactions with other people to play out because she isn't my entire life. If I end up making a connection with another woman then I will allow that to progress naturally as well.

I hope all that rambling made sense. I am a very analytical person, I can't help it, but I'm trying to keep it as simple as I can.

[Wim]

Originally Posted by Louis Adrian

First of all, thank you for replying.

I feel, I sense, that my girlfriend and I are going to part at some point. That's not hard to figure out, considering that I don't want to marry and that I am not going to be monogamous for the rest of my life.

So the honest thing to do would be to tell her that I am interesting in dating other women and possibly sleeping with them. Her reaction will certainly be to end our relationship, because in effect I'm rejecting her. She can't even see me chatting with other girls without getting extremely jealous and insecure. Sure, I feel the same way soemtimes when she's talking to guys, but jealousy is something I'm actively trying to overcome.

I look at it this way: I'm only 23, and I want to meet and have experiences with many women, including sexual experiences. I just don't want to hurt the one I'm with, with whom I'm in a monogamous relationship. So I could either reveal my intentions and risk losing her, or go behind her back and risk hurting her even more in the long-term.

I see the problem though, and that's that we're codependent. When I met her she'd only been in the country less than a year, and in a way I'm the only real friend she has here. We are also going to continue living together in a new apartment, we're moving after the summer.

I understand now, I need to express to her that while I am happy every day I spend with her, I have no plans for the future in terms of always being with her or even living with her a couple of years down the line--I just don't know what will happen. I will always be there for her, we will always be friends because I love her, but I think she feels that there's no one else there for her and so expects me to always be around.

So I'm not going to say, "I'm attracted to other women and am going to pursue them," but just do my thing, continue to grow and have her grow alongside me, take things day by day and be honest about our feelings for each other, and just naturally allow interactions with other people to play out because she isn't my entire life. If I end up making a connection with another woman then I will allow that to progress naturally as well.

I hope all that rambling made sense. I am a very analytical person, I can't help it, but I'm trying to keep it as simple as I can.

I'm also a analytical person, and I recognize your feelings.
When I read the words above, it's clear to me that although you love your girlfriend, the feelings you have for her are not sufficient to keep you from wanting to pursue more women. I think the best course of action is to go for that and tell this honestly to your girlfriend.
Two things can happen:
- she will leave you. in this case you can pursue all you want, and I think this will fit you better.
- she will stay: in this case you can have both.

Good luck,
Wim

[Satyr]

Lot's of things... you can't be monogamous and "see" other girls at the same time. I advice you to not cheat on your girlfriend, but I think she probably is not gonna be entertained when you state you are gonna see other girls... If you don't want to be exclusive, you should state such a thing at the very beginning of a relationship. Somewhere around the first date. Too late for that I guess...
I think it is a decision between losing her and see other women vs seeing her some time longer and not much else.

Although I personally see no added value in marriage (even for monogamous relationships), I think it is also a silly thing to want inexclusivity for the sake of inexclusivity.

As I said, I take relationships day by day. If tomorrow the world would end, I will personally spent the rest of my time with my girlfriend and not chasing other hotties. So I know what I want today. Tomorrow I can see again what I would do if the world would end the day after tomorrow...

BTW I don't make this choice out of scarcity mentality. I know there are a lot of women that I probably can love as much as her. If you make this decision, don't do it out of scarcity!

You could do the same. But this al depends on how much you love her vs your desire to see other women. I personally have seen a lot and maybe will see a lot more. But not today.

[boundforbetter88]

Be honest with her......don't hold her to exclusivity if you've figured out that you don't want the same.

[Louis Adrian]

Well, I told her. We had been arguing today, I won't go into details, but she was going to a party without me and I told her that as far as I'm concerned, we're not exclusive, and that if she meets someone not to hold back on my account.

Not that I think she would, she's never just jumped into it with somebody... I don't even think she believes me. She thinks we just had an argument and I said something I didn't mean. But I already said the words, so I'll tell her again when she comes back.

It feels awful cause I know it's hurting her. It hurts me too, but it feels right at the same time. I want both of us to have more freedom, and if she wants to be with me then she can always come to me. I still love her, and if she's happier holding on to me then that's fine. If she is happier moving further away from me then I'm happy because she's happy.

[Satyr]

Well... good luck. Just know that whatever happens, it is for the best.

[Dylan Alexander]

Originally Posted by Louis Adrian

.
Not that I think she would

Famous last words...

Anyway, why don't you just break up with her and set her free instead of dragging her through this? It isn't fair to her if it isn't what she wants as well.