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     The 2 year relationship cycle rut


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Old 11-24-2011   #1
jago25_98
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Default The 2 year relationship cycle rut

A waking nightmare. I'm stuck in a 2 year relationship rut.

I work at sea. Every 2 years I meet a new girl. Everything goes great until about 2-3 years in and then she cheats on my while I'm away.

Is it possible to get by this?

My gut feeling is no and if that's true then the sensible thing is to learn to be with oneself.

I have already tried doing this but after a while it gets to the point where the smallest desire in the back of my mind results in another relationship that seems to be life changing, soul searching, the one. It doesn't take any game, they come to me and it all results in a tiny bit of hope made solid by horniness.

And so the cycle continues.

Should I accept this? It's not something I'm really that interested in anymore.

I'm looking for inspiration on what else is possible. I know all it takes is to get an insight into another way of living and that's all I need.

I have had an insight into a players lifestyle in between relationships way back but right now it doesn't seem to inspire me.

I have a belief in my mind that in order to live the player lifestyle I have to be hurting the women I'm with, for example by dumping the women I'm with before I get to the 2 years. That is, I still have some kind of link in my mind between dumping and getting dumped. A double bind that I have to choose with.
I'm making progress against this but 2 years at each iteration is damn slow progress.

What I need to do now is draft an attitude in my mind to move on.
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Old 12-05-2011   #2
Luiz
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"It doesn't take any game, they come to me and it all results in a tiny bit of hope made solid by horniness."

That is probably the cause of your problems, my fellow sufferer.

That's really hard. The only thing I can think about is that you should take a good look at what kind of relationships you are having with this women and, also (this is very important), what kind of women are you having relationships with.

I mean, let's face it, it is a very unfortunate thing, but the chances of being cheated gets bigger when your work demands you being too much time away from home. However, if you are a caring boyfriend, if you make yourself present even when you are not around them phisicaly the probability of being cheated tend to decrease. I work with a girl who mantained a distant relationship with her boyfriend for five years and she never cheated on him, because he never made her feel unwanted, he provided her the emotions she needed. If that fella did it, so can you.

There is also another thing that you should think about it: if after two years they start to cheat you (if they really did it only after that time), maybe you just weren't perceive as the one guy they want to marry. Or you did not give them guarantees about your worth, your word and about how serious you took those relationships or, well, they were just bitches and you deserve to be with better ladies, you should pick your girlfriends more wisely.

Sorry if I sound too random, man, but that's the only thing I can offer you. I hope I can provide some peace of mind.
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Old 12-05-2011   #3
jago25_98
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"he provided her the emotions she needed"

I want to make a deeper connection on the phone... but for some reason I´ve lost the way to do it. I find myself trying to make arguments just to create something to fix, which isn´t the way.

Can anyone recommend something to create a feeling of closeness...
I´ve done hypnosis before and had a physical simulation of closeness from that but somehow I find it hard with women I´ve known for a while... I can´t get it to feel genuine. Conguent is the word.

"If that fella did it, so can you." - thanks for this that´s exactly the kind of thing I´m looking for :-)
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Old 12-05-2011   #4
Luiz
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Wow, take it easy, man! No hypnosis for you! I don't know your beliefs, but I am pretty sure that you'd feel better with yourself if you found someone who actually feels deeply conected with you. That is not easy at all, I know, but come on, dude, have some dignity!

We are not close friends, I only know you from what you wrote in this thread, but if hypnosis sounds like the answer to get a nice relationship your mind and soul are not in the best shape. And as an old cliché says: you can only love another when you love yourself first.

Take it easy. As that sappy love song said, you can't hurry love.
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Old 12-07-2011   #5
jago25_98
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No no I don't mean trying to pursuade someone to feel in love, we already got that. I mean as a means to have a feeling of touch and closeness. That's the thing that feels like it's lacking - the physical touch. You can duplicate the feeling the only way I know how over the phone is with hypnosis, but as I say, to do this with someone who's practically your wife is something differnet to what you're thinking of.

I want her to feel safe and secure and cared for and doing this over a satelite link the otherside of the world ain't easy.

You see, we speak on the phone and because I've been working on a boat I find it very hard to find anything to talk about, you might say 'no material'. At the end of it we both feel we want to add something. Obviously 'I love you' doesn't cut it. We both want to touch, both waiting to add that extra thing. But we can't and it goes undone. It feels horrible.

In early stages of a relationship I find myself gaming naturally on the phone. Material is everywhere and it just seems to come no problem. Somehow this dries up and goes different after a few years.

I've come to start writing things down planning calls like a comedian planning a gig. I know it sounds ridiculous but you can't just keep saying "You need another woman" because trust me, if you do that you're just going to go from one woman to the next. Is it horrible to admit a marriage takes work, to argue that the game doesn't finish when you get married, that you have to game on and keep attracting your own wife?

The alternative is to move from one women to the next. Or indeed to make like a monk.
For some reason I don't like moving from one woman to the next, I love my women more than that. Could be my fault there.

You can't come at this from a player angle, that doesn't work. Likewise you can't take the AFC viewpoint either. The reality needs more than both of these viewpoints.

Somehow I feel it is possible to provide for her needs. It might take some suggestion though...

remind me of the needs... and ideas on how to do it from afar?

I sent some flowers by time delay, arranged some pampering sessions, spoke to her friends, lefts notes. These things are good, I'm looking for more. What more can I do? Ain't there a book on this? Inspiration please
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Old 12-09-2011   #6
Luiz
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I told you to get another woman not as an escape, I was based in the fact that you can only be somebody who truly understands the fact that you have to be away for a while, from time to time, and that is also wiling to wait for you and face this kind of situation. Not as in "fuck it, bro, I'll just tap another bitch who doesn't complain about this shit".

About phone conversations, well, you can't do much besides "how is your day", "what's going in with your life" and listen to her. Believe me, she is probably very wiling to talk about it all with you, you gotta know how to listen and, occasionaly, respond to what's going on. You can also tell her some of the things that happen in your work, some good story that happened, you know, share your life with her, at least that part of your life that you want her to know. Send her some pictures of yourself as well (I am assuming you have a camera and internet connection at work), and ask her to do the same. If you also want to share some of the problems you are facing, well, do it of course, it will only benefit your relationship.

That is the best thing about a relationship, my friend, you don't have to be constantly seducing her, sweating to find what to say. You can just open up and be sincere, talk about small things, big things, about you and her. You can ask, for instance, if there is any new movie being released, a nice book, you two can plan a trip , maybe a nice date at someplace really good that she wants to go and you have never taken her before. The phone calls won't probably always be too long, but at least you are comunicating, you are making bonds with your girl.

It may sound generic, but that is all you got to do. But, in the other hand, you can rest assured that you are doing your best.
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